She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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