Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
