well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
