I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
