For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
