It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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