My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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