I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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