Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
