His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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