im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
