Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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