mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
