She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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