Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
ugly people sure do ruin things
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
