So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
