i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
