I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
