youre lurking in front of me
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
