Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
