Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
