You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
