I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize