The maid of honor just puked.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Screwed.edu
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
