Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
