I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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