i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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