You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
