remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
