Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
