I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
