And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
