mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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