Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
