Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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