Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can I color on your dick again?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
