if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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