We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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