take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
