For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
