God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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