i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
