Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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