I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
