you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
