remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
