But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
