I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just invented taco cereal.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize