what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just want nice things and good sex
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
