Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
