I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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