So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
