Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
