Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
