I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
