Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
