then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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