On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize