Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
