pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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