Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
