dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
