tell your sister to shave her snatch
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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