I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
