The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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